Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
(click on Martha's picture for what came to pass)
GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car after a night of heavy drankin.
5. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
6. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
7. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
8. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the
bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners
are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
5. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal
and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on
time.
HOW TO PICK UP REDNECK DATES
1. Look for the girl or guy with the
chewin tobacco in their mouth.
2. Look for the girl or guy who pulls up
with a truck that is taller than some of the 18 wheelers in the parking lot.
3. Bring ditchweed instead of flowers when you go to your dates
house.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable,
say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
5. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all yer kids kin fit in.
6. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
7. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.